Bulbous Brain
I supervise student workers but get no respect. How can i get them to recognize?
big skip
Dear Big Skip,
Student workers were placed on this earth for our abuse and entertainment
purposes only. They are like weeds - there's too many of em. They really don't
anything but take up space, it takes a lot to get rid of them and just when
you think they're gone for good, another one takes its place. Forget about
getting their respect and make them hate life as much as the real work force
does. I've always found that pointless, repetitive manual labor for hours
on end without a bathroom break grabs their attention quickly. Add moments
of random yelling for their lack of enthusiasm into the mix and you've got
a recipe for abuse. Example: have them wash your car during a rain storm;
then make them repeat the process for not using chlorinated water. Having
student workers fear you, or think that you're crazy is a far more effective
tool than respect.
Why does my boss harass me just because I don't know anything about music
from the 80s? The Clone
Dear Clone,
Being ignorant is not an excuse. Furthermore, whining to others about your
ignorance makes you a target for even more harassment. Sounds like you're
just too damn lazy to learn. Are you one of those damn student workers that
Big Skip hates so much?
Have you ever heard of bruising your ribs playing basketball? Tommy Grace
Dear Tommy,
Are you sure that your ribs are bruised? Is it possible that you've just got
gas? Gas has been known to cripple even the toughest of men, so your pain
is understandable. Gas is the body's way of laughing at you. If you let some
gas out, you and your body will have a good hearty laugh.
Being just a brain and not having feelings but just thoughts. What do you
know about Love. I mean the non-feeling side of Love? Lori Johnson
Dear Lori,
Love, much like high self esteem, is for losers.
I have this weird obsession with pepperoni. Every time I see it I start to
foam at the mouth. I saw a lady walking down the street the other day and
she smelled like pepperoni when she walked by. What can I do to stop this
obsession? Gretchen
Dear Gretchen,
You say that like it's a bad thing. Don't let the stigma of the word obsession
prevent you from enjoying a great cylinder-shaped Italian meat product. In
a perfect world, an obsession can bring hours of joy to you, your family &
friends, even strangers. Embrace your obsession by turning it into an unhealthy
hobby. Try collecting pepperonis of the world. Join the pepperoni of the month
club. Maybe get a job at the Hormel meat factory. Denying the charm and lure
of its spicy, smoky goodness will inevitably lead to insanity. Succumb to
the pull of the pepperoni.
I was thinking about running at lunch , but that is just stupid. the idea
is dumb, but doing it is way dumber. easily influenced
Dear Quitter,
Why would you waste your lunch hour with exercise? Where did you get such
a stupid idea? Giving up your relaxing lunch break is equivalent to studying
during recess. Did you study during recess or did you play on the monkey bars?
I think not. The only reason to go to work is for the lunch break. Stop with
the crazy talk.
I heart you, why? purple helmeted warrior
Dear phw,
The scientific terms for this affliction is called hawkingluteylustia. However,
most people refer to it as a Brain Crush. The power of gray matter can be
intoxicating. In fact, those who suffer from this phenomena typically judge
the object of their of affection based on intelligence rather than physical
beauty. This can lead to an unnatural commingling. People like Mozart, Bill
Gates, Carl Sagan, and Stephen Hawking were not to meant to reproduce. On
these rare occasions, socially unacceptable (AKA freaks of nature) are born
- usually with names like Henry or Eugene. These poor individuals are often
born without the benefit of a higher functioning brain and are just plain
fugly. Stop poisoning the genetic gene pool and heart someone stupid.
I know that the crabs i have will go away, but i have become attached to them
in a pet love kind of way. My dog is jealous, and the thought of a menage
a nerf is out of the question. By the way, i am a model. banana
Dear Banana,
Becoming attached to your venereal disease is a very common practice. VD can
inspire pride and high self esteem in even the most humble of persons. I say
be proud of your disease. Here's a great ice breaker at parties - "I've
got VD - don't you wish you were me!" However, dogs and VD just don't
mix. Help get your dog get laid to take his mind off your crabs. Having doggie
sex will always take your mind off of the trivial things in life. I'm intrigued
by your model status. Have you ever considered dating a bulbous brain?
I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a sticky situation. Could you please
tell me how to get semen stains out of a party dress. It is a cotton polyester
blend and the stain is about the size of a silver dollar. Any help would be
appreciated. Monica
Dear Monica,
Isn't this question more appropriate Dear Abby, Miss Manners, or Ann Landers?
However, I suggest you take the dress to the dry cleaners or even toss it
into the wash. But in the future, you might think about a) removing your clothes
before sex, b) letting your guy use a towel to wipe up his mess c) keeping
your mouth and/or legs shut d) staying away from Democratic dicks
Where do babies come from? Big A
Dear Big A,
Unclassified FBI documents reveal that babies come from warehouse 1313 in
the northeast sector of zone B14. But technically babies come from the embryo
farm on Highway 43 near Uterine, Utah.
Are you a Neanderthal brain? Cromag
Dear Cromag,
If only it were so. A Neanderthal brain, much like yours, must lead a simple,
blissful life. If I could only reduce my thought processes to food and fucking...
well, then I guess I would be Henry. However, being a modern day brain has
its advantages, because someone has to tutor Steven Hawkings.
What is that white stuff that forms around the corners of your mouth? and
how do you prevent it from ever forming again? KC
Dear KC,
I hope you're asking this for a "friend," because without a doubt,
"they've" got a bad case of scurvy. It's a typical disease, yes
I said disease, for pilgrims and pirates. Scurvitious (scientific name) is
caused by exposure to pilgrims and/or pirates with scurvy. Currently there
is no known treatment for this horrible disfiguring disease, but most scurvy
victims are sent to live with in one of several leper colonies in Burma. I'm
also a bit concerned that your "friend" is associating with the
wrong crowd. Contracting a deadly disease can be exciting at first, but that
excitement quickly fades once you realize deadly means death. Take if from
someone who knows, it's all fun and games catching a disease, but dying is
like a really bad trip, but permanent.
Why do some people have diarrhea for hair? hankenstein
Dear Hank,
Poo for hair is a rare genetic disorder caused by an overactive imagination.
The only cure currently known is a warm glass of shut the hell up.
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