What do you need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.

Well, maybe if he'd had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.

All About Me

My story is one you have probably heard before. I was born a small, lactose intolerant Cambodian child. My first memory is sailing with my brother, Michael, in Amity Bay. Ironically, my next memory is having our sailboat attacked by a 30ft great white shark.

My parents were radical 60's activists who did not believe in organized learning, so I was taught at home by nomadic, albino, telepathic Indians. At the age of 7, I was diagnosed as an Idiot Savant, due to my inability to digest dairy products. Soon after that, my family moved to Springfield, the world's largest producer of nuclear waste.

As a teenager, I replicated the DNA of prehistoric creatures at a private park until a horrible accident allowed the creatures of the park to run amuck. Seeking a more mundane life, I joined the Navy. I had such an illustrious career in the Navy, several movies were made to document my adventures. Top Gun, Navy Seals and G.I. Jane were loosely based on my Navy journeys.

I spent an entire year chasing a one-legged man who framed me for the release of a deadly virus in East Africa. Afterwards, I ran across the country to raise money for the lactose intolerant, telepathic pets of quasi-religious computer programmers.

In my twenties, because of my scientific background, I worked for a not so secret governmental organization determined to debunk the research of a questionable agent. Although I could not disprove any of his theories, I discovered life on Earth may be nothing more than an elaborate facade created by a malevolent cyber-intelligence. Hoping to ease my mind with this overwhelming information, I vacationed for four years on a tropical island where I perfected puppeteering.

After my vacation, I yearned to change America's outlook on politics and politicians. Because of my previous governmental experience, as well as exposure to idiot savants, I was hired to the White House staff. Since then, I've been instrumental in leaking the need to know stories to the public.

When not working, I take pride in inventing new languages and numeric systems. My first non-fiction book, The Brain of a Super Model - Fact or Fiction?, will be published before the end of this year.