What do you need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.

Well, maybe if he'd had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Hippee Talk

Am I supposed to experience some sort of joy when being nice to strangers? Do you get some joy being nice to strangers? And by you I mean anyone?

No one appreciates or acknowledges these actions of mine, so I'm gonna stop. I refuse to waste anymore of my time being nice.

ramblings by Whitey on 9:55 PM
4218308260929060367
Whatcha talkin' bout? []

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pot-o-gold

It seems every able bodied person was in Ghetto-mart shopping for VD. The candy aisle was destroyed. It was a fight to make it down the aisle and there's wasn't any room for a buggy. Although I couldn't find the Starburst packs spotted weeks ago, I settled on a big bag of conversation hearts and two packs of Reese's hearts.

The checkout lines were complete madness and there was only one self-checkout open. I picked the most appealing express line and waited. And I waited.

You see, although the sign clearly reads 20 items or less, this statement does not apply to everybody. I like to call these people The Entitled. They get to do whatever they want whenever they want because they make everyone miserable if you say anything. I've been told that 3 loves of bread counts a bread. Four gallons of milk counts as milk. Anyway, tonight The Entitled Bitch who gets all of my hate had 35 items in the express line. I know cause I counted as she placed the items on the counter. First she had pay with food stamps and then the remaining balance with her money. She repeated this process 5 times because one or both of the cards didn't work or cause she's a moron. Then her daughter/friend/thug bought a handful of items and them E.B. bought more things, that just happen to be resting on top of the coke machine.

While this non-sense is going on, the crazies notice my stash of candy. The lady in front of me shrieks with excitement over the conversation hearts.

Her: Ouh, where'd you get those?
Me: The candy aisle.
Her: I've been looking for those big rings. You said the candy aisle?
Me: Yeah, but those are candy hearts not rings.
Her: Have you seen the big rings over there?

What am I, the store manager with a running inventory of the candy selection?

Later, as I wait in this eternal express line, the lady behind me notices the Reese's hearts.

Her: Wow, those look great, where'd you get those?
Me: The candy aisle.
Her: Really?
Me: Yeah. Candy aisle.
Her: I didn't see those.
Me: Well, the pickins are pretty slim over there.
Her: Huh?
Me: The pickins are slim.
Her: Whadda you say?
Me: There's not a lot of candy left.

Unbelievable, the crazies and the lazies all in my check out line.

ramblings by Whitey on 9:55 PM
3906187442784363385
Whatcha talkin' bout? []

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

An open letter to my karate boyfriend

Dear Karate Boyfriend,

I'd rather you roll around with me on the do jang mat than with Guam.

Love
Lefty

ramblings by Whitey on 9:55 PM
3823373011967535332
Whatcha talkin' bout? []

Monday, February 11, 2008

Happy Days

I need to ask YOU for some small changes to make ME happy. And by YOU, I mean the understood YOU, as in the entire world.

  • Don't crowd me in the grocery store checkout line. No matter how close you get to me, it will not cause me and/or the cashier to speed up.
  • Leave me one clean toilet seat. You can do whatever to the other three, but leave one of them funk free. I can't keep disinfecting every stall every day.
  • No, I don't want to chat with you while I eat my breakfast or lunch. Can't you see I'm eating...at my desk...trying to read the paper? Leave.
  • Learn how a 4 way stop works.
  • Fritter, this is a plea for you to stay off of the furniture.
  • Leave Britney alone.
  • Compliment my hair when you don't mean it.

ramblings by Whitey on 9:55 PM
2326068671871127429
Whatcha talkin' bout? []

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Warm My Cold Heart

The heater quit broke sometime early Saturday morning. A slight panic kicks in when nothing on the ac/heating system is operational. Dead - like an opossum...but not really if you're my opossum. The repair guy made his way out and determined a spring in the control board, which was replaced in July, stopped. Not jammed or broken, but stopped. So he thumped it and un-stopped(?) it. The heat is working again and it only cost me a service call charge.

During Mom's weekly visit yesterday, she suggested I make the pesky opposum a pet. "You could feed it. You know, make it an outdoor pet." Later she also told me to not create a cross draft when opening the windows because it could make me sick. I'm not sure which statement is more ridiculous.

ramblings by Whitey on 10:33 PM
4734854054547123675
Whatcha talkin' bout? []