What do you need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.

Well, maybe if he'd had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Knock, knock, knocking on another door

Do those crack-head dudes selling magazine subscriptions come to your neighborhood? Cause they won't stay away from mine. Every 3-4 months the damn crack addicts insist on disturbing me. I don't like un-announced pop-by's from my friends, so imagine my disdain when strangers selling stuff disrupt my day.

The Mormans made the mistake of visiting me during the serial killer hunt. My freakout stopped their come-to-Jesus-speech. You are not welcome, even if you're serving the Lord.

Anyway, mister Meth Man made his rounds today in the rain. He managed to bang on both doors which launched Fritter into her ape-shit attack mode. I'm bee-bopping around in my pjs and extreme bed head - not the stylish bed head, but the back away from me I don't own a comb bed head. I opened the door just enough to let Fritter stand between me and no teeth. While Fritter continues to bark at this fool, he starts on his sales pitch.

Wait, you need to understand, I'm restraining Fritter by her collar. She's barking non-stop at this guy. All I have to go is let go and this guy is dog food.

C.H.: Hey, there! Whoa big dog.
Me:::evil stare:::
C.H.: I'm just out talking to some of your neighbors today.
Me: Hmmm.
Fritter: Bark. Growl. Snarl.
C.H.: You're cool huh?
Me: No I'm not. What is this about? Are you selling something?
C.H.: I'm trying to earn points. (pulls out a laminated index card)
Me: No. Not interested. (slams door)

Dude continues to stand under the carport for a few seconds, then murmurs, yeah right. Then he runs across the street. Does anybody fall for this scheme? His sales pitch involves missing teeth and an index card.

I'm surprised Fritter didn't deter him. Usually the would be unwanted visitor leaves after hearing her barking fit. She's actually scared away several nit-wits trying to sell crap, but the damn crack-heads aren't scared of Fritter. I need some crack-head kryptonite.

ramblings by Whitey on 7:12 PM
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Friday, January 26, 2007

Please Hear My Prayers

This little nuggest is from the Best of Craig's List. Feel free to replace the name in this prayer with someone who needs it.
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Dear Jesus,

I want to believe in you and your miraculous powers, I really do. I was raised in a devout Catholic home, and as long as I remember have been hearing about your divine nature and limitless compassion. You turned water into wine, healed lepers, and even raised the dead. I know you have boundless abilities. I also know that your compassion compels you to assist those who suffer, and to hear their agonized prayers.

I have been ceaselessly praying to you for over three years now Jesus, yet still my prayer remains unanswered. Please tell me: Why won’t you run over my co-worker Renee with an 18 ton cement truck? Every day is another eternity of listening to Renee talk about her mildly retarded, morbidly obese child and her husband’s swollen testicles and ass-boils. I am suffering beyond the point of endurance my Lord. Please make manifest your divine Love and Grace by sending a cement truck of mercy to squash Renee flat in all your love and wisdom.

Thank you in advance -

ramblings by Whitey on 6:31 AM
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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Screw You Too

Is it really so hard to believe this is my first post of the new year? Nah, not really.

I've actually tried to update several times this month, but my awesome hosting company, Gate.com, changed some of my settings without notifying me. In fact, right now I can't even view my website because of a DNS error. Here's hoping the world can still read my inspirational and positive words of hope.

I hate people.

Don't go thinking this new year has changed me one single bit. It's important to hold your convictions true in times of turmoil. I love to hate.

I neglected karate talk for a while because I didn't want to jinx myself. I've spent the past three months preparing for my black belt test, which was held this past Sunday. My suggestion to any future wanna bes, take a Valium before the test. It certainly can't hurt. I've also been writing my black belt paper for about two weeks now. It's been quite a struggle to come up with 5 pages of karate talk. You'd think after four plus years of this I could churn out something quickly.

I'd prefer to write about my hate right now. I've got at least 5 pages of hate inside of me right now.

Here's how I start my hate paper:

Dear Nazi Whore,

I hope you die slow painful death. Fucker.

Love,
Whitey

ramblings by Whitey on 10:37 AM
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