|
30 September
Cheap tires?
According to the tire guy, my tire wasn't slashed; I ran over something.
He said, 'there's no conspiracy about your tire.' So I feel better my enemy
list. At least my enemies aren't running around stabbing my tires. They could
be plotting my demise, but they're staying the hell away from my Jeep.
So tire guy informs me that he can't repair the tire because the puncture
is on the side. However, he proceeds, even if he could, my tire is ruined
because I drove on it flat. In my defense, I had to drive about 4 blocks before
I could pull over. On the plus side, my rim is intact.
My cost for 1 tire to match the others = $159. One tire folks.
I must be paying for gold encrusted tires made with rare rubber from outer
space.
I've got 5,800 miles on my Jeep and I've got to get a new tire. Of course
my warranty doesn't cover punctures or cuts. At this point I think my tire
would have to spontaneously combust before the dealership would replace my
tire for free. But I'd be willing to be there is no reason on the planet good
enough for me to get a free tire out of this mishap.
Looks like I'm going to do some tire shopping this week in hopes of finding
a better price.
posted by Whitey on 10:06 AM
106495702552853297
Comments [
]
29 September
Do you have any enemies?
So Chad took a look at my flat tire. His expert opinion is that someone slashed
my tire. He found the puncture mark on the side of the tire. His screwdriver
slipped all the way inside the tire.
So he turns to me and asks 'do you have any enemies?' What the hell? Who am
I Hitler?
So now I can't sleep as I run through my list of possibles. Hey, if you are
my enemy please send me an e-mail so I can narrow down my list.
Chad also suggests, in his expert opinion, it could have been a random slashing.
I don't believe that people go around randoming punching holes just because.
I could be totally wrong, but I'm sticking with the enemy idea. At least it
sounds like a movie of the week.
Hated Jeep drive gets tire slashed for hating Shrek.
posted by Whitey on 11:46 PM
106495588946701789
Comments [
]
Hell Day
I'm sure it's common knowledge that I hate people. In fact I'm very vocal
about the fact that I hate people. It started out as hate for stupid people
and expanded from there. So now I hate everybody; it just makes life easier.
But right now I've got a lot of hate for one person in particular...I'll just
call her Shrek.
I chose the nickname Shrek for several reasons. I take joy in making fun of
her last name, behind her back, to my co-workers, but never to her face. That's
just mean and while I'm not opposed to being mean, right now I'm concentrating
on hating. I need to focus all my negative energy productively. Seriously
though, her last name is like one or two letters away from Shrek. Furthermore,
I get to make fun of her without using real names. I might hate but I'm not
stupid enough to use real names.
Shrek came to work for a visit today. A visit so we, meaning our staff, could
work out some internal differences. Although I don't work for Shrek, I do
have to work with her, much like a consultant. I don't just have one reason
for my extreme dislike of her, I have dozens. Most recently she chewed me
out for doing something I was instructed to do. That particular session prompted
this meeting of the minds.
So I spent the entire day defending my work, my staff members and trashing
her ideas and associates, but in a professional way. It's not easy remaining
professional when I all I want to do is tell her to go to hell.
After what seemed like the longest recorded workday, I was tasked to drive
her to the airport. Oh lucky me. I am not one of those people good at small
talk. I can barely chitchat with those I like, much less those I despise.
It seems my lucky monkey took care of the small talk bit when I got a flat.
My tire deflated in less than 30 seconds.
I blame the flat on Shrek. If she wasn't such a pain, we would have no reason
for the meeting, and no reason for me to go to the airport, down a road I
never travel.
Do you now understand my hate process?
posted by Whitey on 9:14 PM
106495536829756725
Comments [
]
28 September
Dear Mr. Gap
I've got road rage. I'm not afraid to admit it. I wouldn't have this rage
if moron drivers would stay off the road. Today I was privileged enough to
get behind moron #1 who came to a complete stop at a yield sign. Then proceeded
to turn left from the center lane. Moron #2 had difficulty with the 4 way
stop concept. He proceeded thru the stop when it was my turn, then stares
me down like I was at fault. The third moron I encountered today felt it was
necessary to stop when merging onto the interstate.
It's possible my road rage was due in some part to the Gap. That's right,
I said the Gap. Some big wig designer with the Gap has decided they only need
to sell boot cut, low-rise, slim thigh, size 0 jeans. What happened to regular
jeans? Not flared, not low rise, not hip huggers, not slim thigh, not side
button fly dirty dye, just regular jeans. Now I remember why I don't shop
at the Gap. I hate the Gap. Listen up ladies, if you're a size 0, eat something.
Mr. Gap, I suggest you carry jeans that non-stick woman can wear.
posted by Whitey on 10:38 PM
106480679416252390
Comments [
]
27 September
Beer therapy
Remember the days after a few drinks you'd drift off into dreamland? I do
and I miss it. Lately after my “few” drinks, I spend the rest of the night
awake. Last night, the whump-whump of the fan woke me up. Then my lower back
started to ache and that woke me up. I got hot, then got cold and then hot
again. Then the dog woke me up. Well the dog waking me up doesn't have anything
to do with the drinks, but what the hell; I was up in the middle of the night
when I should have been in alcohol-induced slumber. Is it some sort of punishment
from the beer gods?
Speaking of beer, I've made a discovery and it frightens me. My drink of choice
is Newcastle or Dos Equis Amber. Occasionally I’ll indulge with Crown or Jack,
but I usually stick to beer, until one day I couldn't find beer. Desperation
led me to Smirnoff Black Ice and I like it. Technically it's a malt liquor
beverage, but in reality it’s a fancy wine cooler. I've enjoyed quite a few
recently and I feel like I'm not a real drinker. I'm a poser, pretending to
drink. But since I'm only drinking it at home, maybe all is ok. It’s one thing
to drink a malt liquor beverage in the privacy of your home and it’s quite
another to order one at a bar. This week, I'm going to bar and ordering a
beer. It seems my drinking crisis has been averted with more drinking. I like
this crisis a lot.
posted by Whitey on 8:35 PM
106480670816817916
Comments [
]
26 September
Kung Fu Fighting
David Lee's Samurai Screw Up
by Julie Keller
Sep 24, 2003, 1:45 PM PT
Memo to David Lee Roth: Maybe it's time to lay off the kung fu.
The 47-year-old rocker has canceled the remainder of his tour after a martial-arts
move went awry in the middle of set during a September 17 concert in Philadelphia.
"It was an incident onstage where he was doing a kung-fu maneuver and he got
hit with a staff that he uses," spokesman Todd Brodginski said in a statement.
"He was doing a very fast, complicated 15th-century samurai move."
The accident, an ill-conceived attempt to emulate his famed "Jump" moves during
his Van Halen days, resulted in 22 stitches on his face and forced him to
call off the last seven dates of his club and theater tour.
posted by Whitey on 11:14 AM
106459284919658178
Comments [
]
25 September
Reading & Monkeys
I'm a magazine whore. Magazines are low commitment so I can stop and start
reading at any time without losing my place or forgetting a plot line. It
seems that my magazine intake alone is enough to keep the postal service running.
Out of six subscriptions, three of them are free. Each month I've got about
9 new magazines to read. Most days I read the magazine the same day it arrives.
With any luck, a few more free subscriptions will make it my way and I'll
never have to buy reading material again. And I believe magazine protocol
dictates it must remain inside your house for at least a month.
I fed the lucky monkey a pig yesterday. He was pleased; therefore I was blessed.
However, how do I continue to keep the lucky monkey pleased? It's only been
a week and I'm running out of ideas.
posted by Whitey on 3:49 PM
106452298237420180
Comments [
]
24 September
Got Mud?
I've finally got my creds as a Jeep owner. I pulled Henry's 4x4 Jeep Wrangler
out of the mud last night. That's right, last night at 10:30pm, while the
world was peacefully sleeping or watching Nip/Tuck, I was out saving lives...queue
compelling music. Watch my Jeep Liberty, with no 4-wheel drive, pull a foolish
man from the mud. Watch my Jeep Liberty, with no 4-wheel drive not make it
up the levee wall.
Way back when, Henry found a sweet mudding spot, or so I'm told, located on
the riverside of the levee. Various truck/jeep owners like to frequent this
illegal spot hidden from the road and civilization. This secluded area is
always filled with ruts and holes ready to swallow and/or trap silly men with
their all-wheel traction vehicles.
Henry, a man without fear, a man without brains, likes drive in the mud with
reckless abandon. No puddle is too small, no hole is too big and no common
sense is used. His distress call went something like this, "Hey, if I was
with you right now, and I was in trouble, where would I be?" My deadpan reply,
"in jail?"
Upon my arrival, it was clear Henry challenged nature and it won. The back
end of his frame was buried in thick, sloppy mud. Before I arrived, he tried
the digging frame out, placing random objects under the tires and even jacking
up the back end, still stuck. After several unsuccessful towing attempts,
it looked like we were going to abandon his Jeep until morning. Then inspiration
or maybe it was desperation, maybe a little of both, struck and after one
last pull we managed to dislodge his Jeep.
I did a bang of job avoiding big holes and ruts while maneuvering around.
However when it was time to drive up the grass/mud levee wall, my Jeep got
10 feet from the top and quit moving. Wheels they were a spinning. After several
unsuccessful solo attempts, he tried to tow me up the levee...that didn't
work either. Luckily, we found a smaller exit point about 300 yards away.
Last night, I made mud my bitch.
posted by Whitey on 4:42 PM
106443977063393118
Comments [
]
23 September
Alphabet Morons
I'm convinced the workers at Blockbuster Video don't know the alphabet. Last
night I was looking for a movie beginning with the letter "L." The movie A
Man Apart was filed in the "I" category. Lord of The Rings was
filed in the "I" category. It seems every movie but the one I was looking
for was filed in the I's. OK that's just not true, but it could be.
The new cd
I bought gives me a headache. I've listened to it all day, every day for a
week no problem. But every time I play it in the Jeep home, headache. It reminds
me of the Japanese cartoons that cause seizures. Apparently the visual overload
caused by these cartoons would over stimulate a child's mind and cause seizures.
Maybe, just maybe, the music is an overload for my brain on the way home.
posted by Whitey on 3:22 PM
106434855243127682
Comments [
]
22 September
Car Wash Hell
Apparently the word mandatory only applies to me. I was
the only fool who showed up to wash cars. Well me one other person... the
black belt who organized it. We raised a total of $30 for 4.5 hours of work.
Instead of going tailgating as I had intended, I spent the morning without
coffee, washing damn love bugs off of crappy cars.
posted by Whitey on 3:53 PM
106426403223179233
Comments [
]
18 September
Lucky Monkey
Lucky indeed. I am reaping the benefits of my lucky monkey. Since bringing
him to work and exalting him on the marionette stand as sovereign ruler, he
has blessed me with his graces.
- Boring, unnecessary business trip to Texas - cancelled
- cgi files misconfigured for weeks - operating smoothly
- new cd lost in mail - arrived yesterday
- no breakfast - free brownies
- pointless conference call - indefinitely postponed
- karate carwash on game day - moved to non game day
The lucky monkey did all this in 4 days. Imagine how my life will change
in a month. Get your very own
lucky monkey.
It was mentioned that the lucky monkey also prevents scurvy.
Coincidentally since I've had the monkey, I've not contracted scurvy.
posted by Whitey on 12:01 PM
106390447841464828
Comments [
]
17 September
CGI Love
I've got the comments working!! Send me some love.
posted by Whitey on 5:06 PM
106383641878952531
Comments [
]
Roast Remnants
I absolutely love roast beef from the Piccadilly. When I get married, (and
I can say when if someone like Larry King can get married
8 times, I can get married once) I'm going to have a Piccadilly roast at my
wedding. Anyway, back to my sad meat story. I like my beef medium rare. That's
right I said it...bring on the ecoli. I like all beef medium rare - steak,
hamburgers, brisket, roast beef, and various cutlets. Sometimes I even like
it rare.
As I predicted before I left for lunch, I got there just in time for the last
serving of roast. Oh they brough out a new slab of meat, but I didn't get
any of that one. I got the "roast remnants." Those are the bits and pieces
of roast that don't really make a complete slice. The chunks that have fallen
by the side while carving real slices. Chunks that were to good to serve when
there was half a cow on the board but not bad enough to toss out. You know
those pieces, they have more gristle and fat than actual meat. I give that
type of stuff to my dog.
The serving ladies don't hold back on stacking your plate full of those odd
meat bits either. My plate doth overflow with gristle. They'll never give
you that much real roast beef. You get two, count them 2 slices of roast,
when it's actually real meat. But they overload you plate with remnants. Can
leave any random remnants on the board. Got to git rid of all those nasty
chunks before we can cut the new roast. Oh I think they know I'm getting screwed.
And it seems to follow because I hate those roast bits, I get em all the time.
I try showing up early...remnants. I try showing up during the lunch rush...remnants.
It's a wonder that I've ever got to taste what an actual slice of roast beef
tastes like. There will be no roast remnants served at my wedding, unless
the dog comes.
posted by Whitey on 4:27 PM
106383405396608939
Comments [
]
16 September
Cutting grass clears sinuses
After suffering for two weeks, my sinus infection has disappeared and I owe
it all to mowing the lawn. The fresh air, mosquitoe bites, sweat and dirt
managed to clear up what weeks of vitamin C and Actifed couldn't do.
After taking care of the lawn last night, I put together a list of things
I need to do to the yard. I've got weeds to kill, greenery to plant, stones
to lay, limbs and bushes that need trimming. That list spurred my Christmas
list. I need a blower, a ladder, hedge trimmers and tree limb cutters. It
also wouldn't hurt to have a tree saw of some sort.
I need to hire a yard man or buy a goat.
posted by Whitey on 3:29 PM
106374417140273746
Comments [
]
15 September
CGI Hate
I switched hosting companies two weeks ago. I get all the same services at
a cheaper price, with a built in blog feature- Blog It. However, because I'm
using seven hundred fifty five thousand divs in my css, I can't get Blog It
to use my format.
So I've reverted back to a freeware commenting system, while using Blogger.
I have spent all day working on those damn cgi files with no luck. So unforturanately
you can't send me a a nasyt comment on the lack of comments.
posted by Whitey on 2:50 PM
106365544201032231
Comments [
]
|
|